My white racial identity

Growing up I always felt like an imposter. When I tell people I did not learn to read until ten, I typically get a head tilt and look which I interpret to mean, “That can’t be. Are you sure?” My immediate internal reaction is, “Wait, am I sure? Am I faking being a delayed reader?” In all honesty, even though this is my experience, it’s hard for me to believe I’m not a fake. How can a kid make it to age ten without being able to read fluently? But then I remember the day the fog cleared for me and I finally “broke the code”: words are just sequences of phonemes, there are a set number of phonemes in English that can be manipulated to make different words, and phonemes can be symbolically represented with letters! I was 24 and was taking a course on how to teach students with language-based learning disabilities (like dyslexia) to read. #stilldyslexic #dyslexicsuntied

Recently a white friend and colleague of mine shared with me his hypothesis for how people engage with the world around them: essentially people are sleepwalking through life until they are jolted awake by circumstance. Although the experience I described above would offer support for my friend’s hypothesis, I wonder if the hypothesis needs to be amended by switching out the word “people” for “white people.” Although I feel somewhat anxious about making this suggestion, the vast majority of the people I have been closest with over the course of my life are white people. And while this fact can be considered problematic, feeling shame and guilt for my lived experience up until this point is not productive -- and can often be counterproductive (Hobson, 2014).

As I discussed earlier, learning that I -- as a white person -- could actively strive to construct a positive racial identity felt liberating. Once I learned this, I began by taking tangible steps that were well within my ability level. I committed to reading and/or talking about race and racism in the United States each day. #talklessreadmore #unclebobbys #thanksAkosua 

Nevertheless, Yancy (2017) explains, "Doing theory in the service of undoing whiteness comes with its own snares and seductions, its own comfort zones, and reinscription of distances. Whites who deploy theory in services of fighting against white racism must caution again against the seduction of white narcissism, the recentering of whiteness, even if it is the object of critical reflection, and hence, the process of sequestration from the real world of weeping, suffering, and traumatized Black bodies impacted by the operations of white power" (p.220).

During the summer of 2016, I announced to a room full of people attending a week long workshop series -- Institute for Teaching Diversity and Social Justice #IDSJ -- that I was just newly emerging out of my “superman” phase -- a stage in which I thought true equality was inevitable and just a matter of time since I was now aware of, and personally dedicated to ensuring that other people knew about, the pervasive and insidious nature of racism (Staiger, 2006), sexism (hooks, 2005), and all the other interlocking systems of oppression (Collins, 1990). I figured that once I told people what I had learned about the history of the United States, they would be as shocked as I was, and then we could denounce and dismantle these systems together. I think I realized that I had a lot to learn when one of the facilitators said something along the lines of people of color have been trying to “wake” the white masses from their slumber for centuries. And so, now aware that I was joining a movement (not beginning one), I continued on my journey to #readmoretalkless and #mindthegap between 1) what I knew I did not yet know, and 2) what I did not know I did not know. 

Here’s the thing. Talking about and exploring whiteness was how I discovered I can have a positive racial identity. I can and do recommit myself each day to demonstrate my commitment to taking an anti-racist stance to life. It’s not easy. I’m often confused, especially when I try to critically reflect on my white savior tendencies, e.g., when my friend and colleague, Akosua alerted me that the rationale I was using for exploring the characteristics of strong transracial student-teacher relationships was problematically close to the “white savior” narrative -- that is, because I am a “good” white person who “gets it,” I am going to “save” Black students who are struggling academically (Emdin, 2016). While I reassured Akosua (and myself) that this was not my motivation, overtime I began to notice on my own that each time I sat down to write or talk with someone about my dissertation, the “struggling Black student” seemed to consistently be center stage -- as if in their absence there would be no reason for me to study how whiteness manifests in our community.

Recently, thanks to DiAngelo’s (2019) keynote at the 2019 NYSAIS Diversity Conference, I have also began the process of critical self-reflection on the potentially problematic way I share my own academic struggle in school to build trust with families -- effectively co-signing for a department that seems to disproportionately (in comparison to the general population) recommend students to be evaluated as a way to provide teachers with “scientific proof” that the students who they understand as struggling are in fact intelligent.

And so, while I did not conduct a study focused on how students of color struggle to find academic success at their predominantly white school, I do need to remain vigilant. Yancy (2017) warns, "whiteness as a form of ambushing is not an anomaly. [...] The moment a white person claims to have arrived, he/she often undergoes a surprise attack, a form of attack that points to how whiteness ensnares even as one strives to fight against racism" (p.219).

For example, when I caught myself feeling superior to other white people -- like when I was asked to reflect on the process of writing fieldnotes in Starbucks for the first time. It was then I began to truly appreciate how hard it was to listen and observe for understanding and empathy. Instead of observing with empathy and seeking to understand, I slipped into observing with judgement and sought to expose the ignorance of white people in public spaces. While I reported in my reflection that I had learned how essential it is for me to keep my own ego and agenda in check, I found that it takes a great deal of emotional strength and self-awareness to consistently enter spaces authentically open to discovery and avoid slipping into a judgmental and self-righteous stance. In those moments I try to show myself compassion and remember this work is not about assigning blame. And then I #readmore #blackwomanscholars #bellhooks

And although I often feel alone, I have learned 1) to not ask people of color questions about race and racism that I can Google myself to find the answers, and 2) to not expect people of color to serve as my emotional support while I struggle to understand the systemic and institutional racism from which I unjustly benefit -- regardless of my intentions. Someone once said to me, “You can’t give privilege back, so what are you going to do with yours?” And so, I try to connect with other white people who are, or who want to be, engaged in the struggle. #WPC #gotprivilege